


No Goodbyes, No Regrets

by starvonnie



Series: Flare, Flicker, Fade [2]
Category: The Transformers (IDW Generation One)
Genre: Fingering, Loss of Virginity, M/M, Spark Sexual Interfacing, Sparkmerging, Sticky Sexual Interfacing, Transformers Spark Bonds, well spark virginity anyways
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-21
Updated: 2016-09-21
Packaged: 2018-08-16 10:37:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,472
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8098921
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starvonnie/pseuds/starvonnie
Summary: After years of pestering, Rodimus has finally convinced Megatron to bond with him.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Forevermore - Broken Iris is this fic's song
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2vuJvViCHJ8&ab_channel=RomanCaspianQuinn

Rodimus had never been more nervous in his life.  The plating in his hands creaked under the stress of his clenched fists, and the rest of his plating rattled from his shaking.  He bit his lip to keep from whimpering.  He didn't want Megatron to see him this way and back out.  He was nervous, but he was ready.

Drift had given him some incense that was supposed to be "calming and promote intimacy."  Rodimus wondered if he just needed more or if all of that was just a bunch of crap.  Primus, Megatron was going to get here any minute.  He didn't want him to call it off just because he couldn't keep it together.  This was what he wanted.  This was what he had been asking and asking for.  For years he had begged Megatron to bond with him, and he had finally said yes!  Now Rodimus was going to blow it all because he couldn't calm down.

Ventilate.  In, out.  In, out.  Would engex help?  Yeah, engex would help.  With one hand on the cabinet where he kept his store, he reconsidered.  Megatron wouldn't bond with him if he thought he was drunk.

Rodimus took a deep ventilation and sat on the berth.  He smoothed out a wrinkle in the sheets, smirking to himself as he imagined the two of them ruining the neat display he had spent all morning making and remaking.  It looked like a berth out of a catalogue with all of the pillows piled at the head.  The fun part was getting to knock them all away in the heat of the moment.  Rumpling the blanket and sheets.  It was all going to be fun.  But it would just be another night for them if they didn't get to bond.  And Rodimus wanted them to bond.  More than anything.

If he had had more time, he might have commed Drift over to meditate or something.  He'd try anything to calm himself down at this point.  Maybe he just wasn't getting enough of the incense in his intake.  Stepping over to the berthside table, he took a big whiff.  Rodimus realized that was a mistake when he started hacking from the smoke.

He was anything but calm now.  Which of course meant his luck would have Megatron knocking on the door.

Taking a deep ventilation in-- _away_ from the incense-- Rodimus made his way to the door.  He nearly tripped over his own feet and his hands were shaking so much that he missed the button a couple of times, but he managed to get it open. 

Megatron's kisses were usually something that helped Rodimus calm down, so he stretched up on his toes to steal a quick one.  His shaking frame made his wobble on his pedes, so he ended up missing, but he got a chuckle out of his conjunx, who then leaned down to plant a proper one on him.  Unfortunately, it only made his spark flutter even more wildly.  He was more nervous than he had been when he had confessed his feelings.

"Are you going to let me in?" Megatron asked with a smile.

"Oh!  Uh, yes... um..."  Rodimus took an awkward step to the side.  He needed to stop acting so love-struck.  He needed Megatron to take him seriously.

"What's all this?" Megatron asked, motioning to the candles and incense.

"Well, uh, Drift sort of thought that maybe..."  Frag, he knew he shouldn't have done this.  "They're supposed to be calming.  And they, uh, promote intimacy?"  Rodimus rubbed his upper arm and tried to meet Megatron's gaze, but he was worried looking him in the optic would just make him more nervous.  How was he going to get through this?

"Are you okay, Rodimus?"  He felt Megatron's optics on him.

"What?  Yeah!  I'm good, I'm good.  Everything's totally cool here."  Rodimus made finger guns at him and immediately regretted it.

Megatron took Rodimus' hands in his, watching him with gentle optics.  "Maybe we should wait until you're ready."

"No!"  Rodimus squeezed Megatron's hands.  Taking a deep ventilation, he relaxed his grip and said, "I mean, I am ready.  I've been ready for a long time, I'm just...  I'm just nervous.  Aren't you nervous?"

"A little," Megatron agreed.  "I do want to do this, Rodimus, but..."  He sighed.  "I wish you would reconsider.  I'm not--"

Rodimus put a finger to his lips and held it there while he spoke.  "Do you love me?"

Megatron waited until Rodimus' finger retreated.  "With all my spark."

Nodding, Rodimus said, "Now, ask me."

Megatron's helm tilted in confusion, then righted as he understood his conjunx.  "Rodimus of Nyon, do you love me?"

"More than anything."  Rodimus grinned.  His plating had stopped shaking.  The nervousness that he thought would only compound in Megatron's presence was being quashed by him.  His spark still fluttered like it had before their first time, but it fluttered in welcome.  It had been waiting for this guest for quite some time.  "So, you love me, and I love you.  I believe we have everything we need to bond right here."  One yellow hand went to Megatron's chest, the other to his own.  He could have sworn that they beat as one.

Megatron lowered his helm until their forehelms were touching.  He retook Rodimus' hand and made circles with his thumb.  It was doing wonders for Rodimus' nerves.  Especially when he felt the little shake of nervousness in Megatron's hand.

"Rodimus, I know I said I would, but..."

"No, no, you do not get to back out!"  Using his helm, he nudged Megatron's until he was looking him in the optic.  "I've been patient and waited for you to be ready, and I know that you want to, so don't give me that scrap."  He let his gaze soften and stroked Megatron's cheek.  "I know why you don't want to, but you don't need to protect me.  I want this more than anything.  I want _you_."

"I don't want to hurt you."  There was a dull pain in those red optics.  It seemed to have taken up residence there.  Rodimus had rarely seen them without it.

"You are hurting me, though," Rodimus murmured.  Before Megatron could question him or make some excuse, he added, "I get what you're saying, I do.  But I've always known that our relationship has an expiration date."  He swallowed to keep from getting choked up.  "But I have you now, and I want you to live on in my spark."

"I will always be here," Megatron whispered, laying his palm over Rodimus' Autobrand.  He gasped when it slid aside, nothing between his hand and Rodimus' spark but air.

"Then you're not changing anything, are you?"

Megatron sighed.  "You know what will happen when I'm gone, don't you?  Do you understand what you're doing, Rodimus?"

"I know," Rodimus assured him for the umpteenth time.  "I know it will be painful, but...  How much more painful can it possibly be?  Losing you is going to hurt no matter what." 

"I'm sorry, Rodimus.  I'm sorry I did this to you."

"You're sorry that you fell in love with me?"  It was hard to keep the hurt out of his voice.

"No.  Never that.  I'm sorry that I made you fall in love with me."  Megatron's optics dropped to the floor.

Speaking into his lips, Rodimus said, "Don't be."  He kissed him, but jumped away when Megatron's thumb brushed his spark.  It was strange to feel something there.  Strange, but not unpleasant.  He wanted to feel it again.

"My apologies," Megatron said.

"No more apologizing, okay?"  Rodimus took a few steps towards the berth, his ventilations growing a little laboured when a draft tickled his spark.  "Want to, uh, start, then?"

"I was hoping we could take this slowly," Megatron admitted, nodding towards Rodimus' open chest.  "I want to make this memorable for you."

As if any moment with Megatron weren't memorable.  "Okay," Rodimus agreed, a small blush tingeing his cheeks.  "What do you need me to do?"

"Just lie down, and get comfortable.  And close your chest.  There will be plenty of time for that."

The first touch had been intoxicating, if a little shocking.  One stroke had just ignited his excitement to have Megatron touching him in the most intimate of places.  He had wanted to ask if he'd ever sparkmerged before, but an old mech like him?  There was no way this was his first time.

Letting his plating slide back into place, Rodimus climbed into berth. 

"Lay on your front," Megatron said before Rodimus could get settled.

Rodimus did as he was told, excitement fizzling through his field.  It pricked at his spoiler from strut to tip, making him shiver.  It turned to a full-on shudder when Megatron's hand gathered the sparks and smoothed them up the plane.

"Listen, Megs, that feels _great_ and I'm not gonna tell you to stop or anything, but that's really not what I wanted to go for here, tonight."  Rodimus had to smush his face into the pillow to keep from moaning when his other hand came into the equation.

"Are you telling me that we don't have time for both?" 

Rodimus heard Megatron's smile more than he saw it.  He smiled, too.  Into the pillow.  It was hard to keep quiet with Megatron getting all hands-y with his spoiler.  The slagger had become a damn expert after all these years.

"I mean, _we do_ ," Rodimus said while Megatron straddled him.  "But, I dunno..."

"We don't have to if you don't want to," Megatron said, hands moving south to massage his back plates.  "I just want to make you comfortable."

"I am literally so comfortable right now that I never want to move ever again.  You're gonna have to run the ship for forever now.  Just forge my signature when you need it."  Rodimus closed his optics, groaning when Megatron hit a kink in a wire and worked it loose. 

Megatron chuckled.  "No way are you leaving me to command this ship on my own."

"Then you gotta stop making me feel this good, babe."  When one of Megatron's hands strayed onto his aft, Rodimus shot him a look.  "Hey!"

Grinning down at him, Megatron said, "Sorry, my hand slipped."

"Yeah, like hell it did.  Ya jerk."

Megatron slid his hands up Rodimus' sides and arms until he was practically laying on top of him.  He kept all of his weight off of him, though, and intertwined their fingers.

"You love this jerk," he murmured into his neck, his words followed closely by a kiss.

"Shut up and frag me, you fragger."

"Well, when you put it so _eloquently_."  Megatron nipped at his neck.

"Hey, I would have been totally cool not doing this, but you got me revved up, so..." 

"I suppose that's fair," Megatron murmured into his neck, slowly kissing down until he was at his spoiler again.  "But if you didn't make it so fun to tease you..."  He ran his glossa along the seam where his spoiler met his back while one hand toyed with the tip.  "... then maybe I would be more inclined to give you what you want."

Rodimus couldn't help his panels popping open.  Lubricant dripped down and around his anterior node and up his spike, which he gently ground into the berth, biting back a moan. 

"For someone who wasn't expecting this to happen," Megatron put a hand between Rodimus' legs, running a finger through the wetness, "you certainly are eager."

Ventilating heavily, Rodimus rocked his hips back to try and capture the finger, but it stayed just out of reach.  Just circling his valve rim.  All it was accomplishing was making Rodimus' fans spin faster.

"What can I say?  I have a thing for old mechs who can't handle someone as hot as me."  Rodimus smirk turned victorious as he was awarded a finger inside of him, but it was quickly wiped away when Megatron was able to expertly hit every node that made Rodimus squirm.  He bit at the sheets, trying in vain to keep the noise in.  He worried that he would overload from just this.

"I've handled plenty of charged-up mechs your age."  Megatron pushed a second finger in, scissoring them to see how far his calipers would stretch.  They retreated easily.  Years of taking Megatron's spike would do that.

It always amazed Rodimus that Megatron could reach his ceiling nodes with just his fingers.  True, the light brushes didn't feel nearly as good as a spike snugged up to them, but it was a sensation he had yet to get used to.  Fingering had always felt subpar; a preview before the feature. But not with Megatron.  Everything he did to him felt like the main event.  Hell, one time he nearly overloaded from him just _speaking_ to him.  He'd never told him.  That was far too much power to give him.  But the voice in his audial then was certainly helping his fingers along.

"Look how wet you are already," Megatron remarked, pulling out of Rodimus' valve.  He put them before his face, but Rodimus couldn't focus on them.  Megatron ordered, "Roll onto your back."

All but scrambling to obey, Rodimus did just that.  He brought his arms above his helm and made sure to arch his frame in the way that made him look irresistible.  Or, at least, _more_ irresistible.  He had barely a second to look at Megatron before his optics were forced shut from the feeling of fingers being inside of him again.  With no way to contain it, he moaned loudly, receiving a pleased grin from Megatron.

"Is this what you wanted, little Prime?"  Megatron crooked his fingers, and Rodimus bucked up as though he were a puppet. 

Rodimus couldn't help but whimper when Megatron left his frame again.  To which Megatron's grin grew sinister. 

"I'm sorry, were you close?" Megatron asked without a hint of sympathy.

"Want you," Rodimus managed to get out between heavy ventilations, and even then his voice was almost lost to his cooling fans.  They practically screamed from the effort.

"Of course you want me," Megatron purred, and Rodimus had to bite his lip as the reverberations from his voice sent a wave of pleasure through his frame.  "But why should I give you your overload so quickly?"

"Because you made me want this," Rodimus said, his words barbed.  If Megatron wanted to frag first, fine, but the night wasn't endless. 

Megatron deigned to rub Rodimus' anterior node, and was quickly brought back to the brink.  Held just on the edge from too-light touches.  It made his whole array ache.

"I suppose..."  Megatron dipped one slow digit in.  Every ring of nodes sung as they were struck, but the arcs were too far apart to spur on his overload.  His calipers cycled down as tightly as they could on the lone finger, but even then it wasn't enough. 

Rodimus was practically sobbing.  His spark and array burned with equal need, neither being satisfied.  "Please..."

"You're so beautiful when you come undone."  Megatron returned to circling his node. 

Rodimus lifted his hips, but was only awarded momentary pressure.  Megatron readjusted to every movement, an evil laugh rumbling through his frame.

"But... you are also beautiful in overload."  Two fingers plunged in, his thumb pressing at his node.  "Overload for me."

Rodimus didn't even hear the order.  All he could hear was his own voice, crying out Megatron's name as an overload surged through him.  It crackled down his limbs and momentarily offlined him.  When he came to, Megatron had gotten off of him, and was lying next to him.

Rodimus was ready to lay there in post-overload bliss for a while.  Not _too long_ , mind you.  There was still business to attend to.  But Megatron seemed ready to escape.  It couldn't have been more than a minute before he sat up.  And before Rodimus could ask where he was going, he was _standing_.

Hesitantly, unsure of whether he wanted the answer, Rodimus asked, "What's up?"

Cycling a deep ventilation, Megatron said without turning, "I think we should wait, Rodimus."

"You promised!"

"I promised you _eventually_."  There was a sharpness in his tone.  It cut through Rodimus' spark with ease.  "Not tonight."

Rodimus caught Megatron's wrist before he could move.  He didn't hold him all that tightly, but even if he did Megatron would still be able to break his grip, but he didn't.  He stayed.  He waited.  He didn't want to leave, and he wanted to sparkmerge, no matter what he said. 

"You said you would and you said you would _tonight_."  Rodimus had tried to sound firm, but his words came out full of static.

With a sigh that seemed to deflate him, Megatron sat on the berth again.  His optics slowly rose to meet Rodimus', and he found them full of pain.  Full of love.  Full of _need_.  In them Rodimus saw his own feelings reflected.  He saw his spark mate.  He saw everything he needed and everything he was being refused.  And he saw the torture he was putting Megatron through.  It was the same spark-wrenching feeling he got whenever he remembered how little time they had.  How unfair it was.  It was the same feeling he felt after every nightmare, but those were followed by relief when he found himself in Megatron's arms.  Felt his arms holding him tightly.  Whispering, "You're okay.  I've got you.  I've got you..."

The same mech who had reassured him night after restless night gazed at him, chaos in his optics.  He said the one thing he was able to.  "Rodimus..."

"I can't keep doing this, Megatron.  I just can't.  You have to stop feeling so guilty about everything.  It's not like I don't want you here!"  Rodimus gave a sharp sigh, letting his frustration and anger out.  With a gentler gaze, and letting his hand come to rest over Megatron's, he continued, "I'm going to make a couple of rules, okay?  If we're going to make this work, we've got to follow these.  No good-byes.  No regrets.  So no more talking about how this is..."  Rodimus swallowed.  "How this is... temporary.  Just no more.  That's more my problem, anyways.  And you don't get to feel guilty about doing things with me anymore.  Because I _want_ to, Megatron.  I want this.  I want you."

"It lasts for a lifetime, Rodimus."  Megatron cupped his cheek with his hand.  Then his other hand came up.  Then he was pulling him in for a shaking kiss that had them holding each other like this day was the last.  They knew it wasn't.  There was still time.  But they would never be sure how much.  Tomorrow could very well be the beginning of the end for them.  When Megatron finally let up enough for them to part, still holding Rodimus too close to see much beyond his optics, he whispered, "I can't burden you with this.  The pain doesn't leave.  You just learn to live with it.  You're so young.  You have everything ahead of you and I won't let this old mech tarnish you.  Not when I know there isn't a future for me.  Not when I know there isn't a future for _us_.  I am the moon, my Sun.  We only meet for the briefest of times.  When I eclipse you.  It is beautiful and awe inspiring, but it is short.  A blip in time to that of the sun.  And then I will be gone.  Forever.  I have already begun to eclipse you, and I cannot undo what has been done, but if I give you my spark, you can never learn to forget me."

"I don't want to forget you."  Rodimus found a grip on Megatron's back and clung on, hiding his face in his chest.  "I never want to forget how this feels."

"Then choose to remember."  The strokes on his spoiler were calming.  "At least then you will have the choice if remembering becomes too painful.  I can't leave this life knowing the state I've left you in.  Perhaps I'm selfish, but I just can't."

"What's selfish is you deciding what's best for me!" Rodimus snapped, yelling into Megatron's plating.  He clung more fiercely and refused to look up at him, even when Megatron's hand gently tried to lift his chin.  It had taken so much just to get Megatron to even consider being with him.  No less than _three_ attempts to take him as his conjunx.  He had always made the excuse of not being ready, but after being with him for so long he could tell when he was lying.  He didn't think they were going too fast, he was just making excuses.  Trying to save Rodimus.  He was too far gone to be saved.  He was too far gone when he first felt his spark race at seeing him smile.  After that he was always trying to coax a smile out of him.  Perhaps even a _laugh_.  As far as Rodimus' relationships went, this one had been the slowest.  The one where time was of the essence.  If they didn't bond tonight, who was to say if they ever got another chance?

"Please look at me," Megatron all but begged in a voice so quiet, Rodimus probably wouldn't have heard it if he didn't have an audial to his chest.

To hear him so choked up, knowing this was killing him as much as it was Rodimus, made him lift his helm.  Dark, nearly offline red optics flickered as they looked at him.  They shuttered as he pulled Rodimus in for another kiss.  A brief one.  Their lips lingered nearby their mates for a while, both deciding if they would have more use kissing, or communicating.  Primus knew they spent far more time doing the former.  Speaking to each other meant acknowledging what was to come.

"You know what will happen, right?" Megatron asked again.  The same question he asked every time after Rodimus had asked to bond. 

"I know.  I've done my research.  It doesn't change my choice."

Megatron sighed.  A sad sigh.  A weighted sigh.  He hugged Rodimus tighter, and then he became the support.  He held Megatron up as his mind was no doubt warring with his spark. 

"I want to bond with you, Rodimus of Nyon," Megatron whispered into his neck.  "I want to give you my all."

Rodimus disentangled himself from his conjunx.  When he saw Megatron's pained expression, he made sure to keep them connected.  Intertwining their fingers and holding on tight, he lay himself down on the berth.

"Then do it."  Rodimus gave a little laugh.  It was hard to muster up after everything, but it still felt right coming off of his lips.  "I don't know what you're waiting for."

Megatron hesitated for a moment more, but then he was climbing over him, dipping down to kiss him again.  With their forehelms touching, he said, "I love you, Rodimus.  I will always love you.  I will bend all known laws of physics to love you even when my spark has been extinguished.  No good-byes."

"No regrets," Rodimus said, with only a slight catch in his voice.  "I love you so much."

"My beautiful Sun."  Megatron stroked a hand down his waist, pressing his lips to his mouth, his cheek, and finally, his chest.  He started when it opened, his mouth nearly colliding with the star that held Rodimus' life.  He leaned back to get a good look at it, mouth agape, his hand subconsciously reaching for it.  His optics reflected so much of the blue that it was hard to imagine them as ever being red.

"Go on," Rodimus prompted gently.  "I'm ready."

Above him, face awash in the light of his spark, Megatron hesitated.  A shadow of doubt darkened his optics, poisoning the initial wonder.  Rodimus could all but feel the touch of his hand.  So close and yet so far.  If it wouldn't have hurt him, he would have arched his back up to meet his hand.

"Are you okay?" Rodimus asked.  He reached up to stroke his cheek.

Megatron jumped a little as if started from a trance.  "Sorry, I...  It's beautiful, Rodimus.  You're beautiful."

Rodimus hoped the light would hide his red face.  "I'm sure it's nothing like yours.  Mine's just a regular old spark."

"No."

Gasping as Megatron's fingers finally made contact, Rodimus clawed at the sheets.

"It's one-of-a-kind."

"Oh, Primus!"  Rodimus grit his denta.

"Bad?"  Megatron's hand froze in place.

"Nn... no.  It feels really good."  Rodimus looked up at Megatron like he was drunk.  But he'd never felt more sober in his life.  "Keep going."

"Tell me if I hurt you.  Or if it's too much."  Megatron almost always said this before he would even consider touching Rodimus.  He was always so worried that his hands would only know how to break.  A few years was a blink after a four million year war.  Peace was still foreign to both of them.  But they were willing to learn.

"You won't hurt me," Rodimus reassured him.  Not with how gentle he always was.  Even when Rodimus _wanted_ pain in the berth, he was never able to give it to him.  Anything more than a light scratch or tug, and Megatron would stop them.  His worry was endearing, if a bit annoying at times.  But Megatron made up for it in his capacity to take whatever punishment Rodimus could dish out.  It had been a new role for Rodimus, but he fell into it easily.

But today wasn't for that.

"I will," Rodimus promised when Megatron's hand refused to proceed.

Only after getting confirmation did Megatron probe further in his conjunx's chest.  His spark crackled against his fingers like nothing else.  He had expected to feel a shock or at least some tingling, but all he felt was warmth.  Like he was touching fire that refused to burn him. 

The backs of his fingers brushed the back of his spark casing as he encircled the light.  He let the pads of his fingers come to rest on its surface, letting his hand circle around the surprisingly smooth surface.

Rodimus was addicted to this feeling.  Whenever Megatron decided to stop, it would be too soon.  Every caress of his spark bled off into his veins, setting his frame ablaze.  And though he had been told what it would feel like, he had never imagined it to this intensity.  Every piece of plating, every strut, every wire, tingled with charge.  The feeling that normally pooled behind his array spread from his chest all the way out to his hands and pedes. 

"Is this alright?" Megatron asked as he let his fingers dip in just the tiniest bit.

"Ngh!  Yeah."  Rodimus' optics went unfocused.

"Does it feel good?" 

"Frag, Megs...  It feels like nothing else."

Rodimus was pretty sure Megatron was smiling at him, but he was too lost in the feeling. 

A hand glided up his side, coming to rest on the edges of where his chest had opened.  Even that was sending ripples of sensation through his spark chamber.  As long as Megatron kept a hand on his spark, he could probably touch his knee and even that would feel good. 

It was when Megatron leaned down to kiss Rodimus that his fingers weren't so careful.  They dug into his spark to almost the first knuckle, and his cry would have rang out if Megatron's mouth hadn't been there to muffle it.

Immediately, Megatron pulled away, completely removing himself from Rodimus' chassis.  His optics were wide as he watched Rodimus' arching frame.  "Did I hurt you?  I'm sorry, Rodimus!"

Rodimus' ventilations came fast and hot.  He clutched at the sheets, the aftershocks of the most intense overload he had ever experienced wracking his frame.  Sparks danced across his plating and reverberated through his spark, feeding back on the stream of charge.  Then he felt it gather in his hand.  Just one.  Another pool forming on his forehelm.

Finally opening his optics, he saw Megatron's face, very close, their forehelms together.  Red optics, clouded with worry, showed a burst of relief when they saw their blue mates.

"Oh, thank Primus."  Megatron kissed his forehelm, giving Rodimus' hand a squeeze.  "Are you alright Rodimus?  You weren't answering me."

"Megs..."  Rodimus gave a little shake of his helm, then stopped when he realized what this would imply.  "I'm fine.  _Better_ than fine.  That was... woah."

"Was that... an overload?"  Megatron cupped Rodimus' cheek, his thumb smoothing strokes just below his optic.  "I thought I'd hurt you.  I thought I did something wrong."

"If that was wrong then I never want you to be right."  Rodimus let his helm loll to the side.  His strength was coming back, but slowly. 

"Can I do anything?" Megatron asked.

Rodimus gave a little shake of his helm.  "Just stay with me."

"I'm here."

Eventually Rodimus found enough strength to sit up, sitting back against the pile of plush pillows.  He was surprised that more of them hadn't fallen to the floor.  Surprised, but not complaining.

Megatron had taken to his side beside him, half hugging him, careful of his still-open spark chamber.  He kept his half-shuttered optics on the bright, slowly spinning orb. 

"Hellooooo,"  Rodimus waved a hand in front of Megatron's mesmerized face, "anyone there?"

Megatron dragged his gaze up to Rodimus' face.  "I don't like to deny my optics of looking at beautiful things," he explained.  Then continued to stare at his conjunx, a smile softening his face.

"Shut up," Rodimus said, giving him a playful nudge and quickly hiding his reddening face.

Moving the hand from his face, Megatron gave him a kiss on the cheek, the nose, and then the mouth.  Smiling into it.  "You are truly beautiful, my Sun."

"I wanna see you," Rodimus changed the subject away from himself before the blush completely took over.  Now he wanted nothing more than to make Megatron feel as good as he had made him feel.  Wanted to see his soul bared.  To caress his spark until he came undone in his hands.

Rolling onto his side, Rodimus encouraged Megatron to lie on his back with a hand pushing lightly on his chest.  He kept it there even after he had settled, stroking the scarred metal.  Stroking the last barrier between him and his spark.

Rodimus considered keeping his own chest open.  Just having Megatron able to see it was so intimate and special and he loved seeing his face when he looked at it.  But he also didn't want to have to worry about accidentally knocking up against something, so he decided on closed in the end.  It was about Megatron's pleasure, anyways.

"It's not..."  Megatron rested his own hand over Rodimus', stilling it.  He kept his gaze down and away as he admitted, "It's not as strong as it used to be.  It never properly bonded to this frame."  He met Rodimus' optics for a brief moment.  "I just thought you should know."

Rodimus straddled Megatron's hips, his free hand moving to Megatron's face.  "Will it hurt you?  To have your casing open?"

Megatron shook his helm.  "I just don't want you to worry.  I'm as healthy as I can be."

"Then I wanna see you."  Rodimus smiled.

Taking a deep ventilation, Megatron said, "Okay."

As soon as the green light enveloped him, Rodimus' mouth dropped open.  All he could do was stare in awe.  Watching as the tiny ball of light pulsed fast.  It was a little comforting, knowing that Megatron was as nervous as him.  But that didn't stop his hands from shaking as he reached out to touch it.

"Please be gentle," Megatron said.  A part of Rodimus wanted to tease him.  Megatron?  Needing gentleness?  But he didn't.  Another time and place.

"I will," he reassured him.

One hand braced on his shoulder, the other slowly dipped just his forefinger in.  The corona rose up to meet his touch, embracing his digit, while Megatron gasped.  Once he reached the surface, giving his spark the lightest of strokes, he moaned more loudly than Rodimus had ever heard him.  It was a sound he wanted to coax out of him again.

"I never-- ah-- imagined," Megatron squeezed his optics shut, "that it would feel like this."

"Have you?  Never?"  Rodimus retreated to the field so as not to accidentally be too rough when he moved his gaze from his spark to his face. 

"You are my first, Rodimus.  My first, and my only."

There was something sad about those words. 

"I guess I just assumed..."  Rodimus shook his helm a little.  "Really?"

"I should admit that some of my trepidation was from worry that I would not be good enough for you," Megatron said. 

"You think I'm not worried?  This is your whole life!"  Rodimus cradled his spark, hovering on the edges of the field.  "It wouldn't take much for me to hurt you.  I'm not exactly the most careful of bots."

"I trust you."

Rodimus was glad that he had closed his chest for this.  If Megatron could see it now, he would have seen it flutter.

Lightly scratching the surface with one hand, and flirting at the corona with the other, Rodimus watched Megatron's face.  His optics snapped shut and he groaned from deep within his vents.  He grabbed at Rodimus' thigh and that made him freeze, worry spreading across his face.

"Did I hurt you?"

"No, no," Megatron rushed his words, riding the backs of quick ventilations.  "Don't stop."

"Someone's got a sensitive spark," Rodimus teased, bringing his other hand down so it, too, was digging in.  He wouldn't be surprised, though.  If Megatron's spark was more sensitive.  Not many people would have the opportunity to get this close to a point one percenter.  He was honoured.

"Rodimus!" 

Megatron's spark throbbed and sent a shockwave through his frame.  Some of it flowed into Rodimus.  Not enough to set his own overload off, but enough to rev him up. 

Venting steam, Rodimus returned to gently caressing it.  Wisps flowed up and over his fingers, so thin they were near-white.  They tickled a little. 

Disoriented optics tried to focus on Rodimus' face.  Megatron lifted a hand to try and find it, but it was only when Rodimus moved his helm into his grasp that he was able to cup his face.

"You okay?" Rodimus asked, easing up on his touches.

Megatron nodded, his movements sluggish.  "I just feel tired all of a sudden."

"Yeah, it does that to you."  He gave a small chuckle.  "You want me to stop?"  Rodimus stopped his hands, but kept them to his spark.  Now he could really feel the sparkbeats.  Like tiny waves washing over his fingertips.  Crackling waves full of charge.

Megatron shook his helm and let his hand drop back down to the berth.  He shut his optics with a contented sigh, whispering, "I never want you to stop."

Smiling, Rodimus let his thumbs make circles on his spark.  He kept his movements gentle.  He didn't want to rush Megatron to another overload.  Plus, he looked so peaceful.  He wanted to take as much time as he could to just watch him.  Memorize his face.  The way his spark felt.  He wanted this experience cemented firmly in his processor.  It might be the last time he'd ever get to.

Rodimus shoved that thought away.  Here he was, finally getting what he wanted, finally getting to hold Megatron's _spark_ , and all he could do was worry about the future.  Granted, it was all he ever worried about, but it needed to stop.  Their entire relationship seemed like it was founded on fear.  If he wanted Megatron to stop holding back, he had to nip these thoughts in the bud.  He'd memorize this moment because it was special, and for no other reason.

Pulling one hand out so he could use it to support himself, Rodimus leaned down to press his lips to Megatron's.  His conjunx made a little noise as he continued to stroke his spark.

"I love you, Megatron," Rodimus murmured as he pulled away for just a moment.  He didn't give him time to respond before he was kissing him again, tasting the residual charge of his overload.  Then, he added, "I love this.  I love being with you."

"I feel the same, Rodimus."  Megatron's optics opened just enough to look into Rodimus'.  He stared into them, and Rodimus could tell that he was smiling from the way the corner of his optics crinkled.  "I would give anything to make this moment last forever."

"It will," Rodimus reassured him, smiling as he kissed down his neck, and pleased to hear the little gasps he was eliciting from Megatron.  When he looked back up at his face and saw Megatron's confused expression, he explained, "I'm never going to forget this feeling.  I can revisit it whenever I need to."

Megatron sighed happily.  Whether it was from Rodimus' words or from his hand on his spark, he wouldn't know.

"I just want to live in the moment," Rodimus decided.  "I want to make the most of this."  He got somewhat of a cheeky smile on his face.  "Which is why I'm about to try something."

Before Megatron could question him or suggest that this was perhaps not the best idea, Rodimus kissed his spark.  And, oh, what a _wonderful_ idea that was.  Putting aside the moan that he made, it was intoxicating to feel his powerful frame arch up enough to almost displace him.  To feel his hands, weakness forgotten, grab onto his back and grip him so tightly that he worried for a moment that the metal might buckle beneath them.

Let Megatron wreck him.  If his fingers made dents, then let them be a reminder of when he lost control.  Because a few dents were worth it to feel his spark crackle against his open mouth.

His oral lubricants steamed off of his spark, but it never burned his glossa.  Like it had a semi-consciousness that refused to hurt him.  Perhaps it was Megatron's will to keep him safe.  But it was more likely that that was just how sparks were and they were both clueless idiots on the whole subject.  It was fun to experiment with him, though.

Rodimus lifted off for a moment, and Megatron sagged back into the berth, but his hands stayed on him.  They massaged where they had clung, but he had left no visible damage save a small scrape or two.

"Good?" Rodimus asked.

Red optics found Rodimus' face.  "Do it again."

Rodimus was giddy and drunk on his love when he dove back down.  He lapped at his spark more fervently, feeling the oncoming overload prick at his glossa.  He got the tip of it down the side, between his spark and the back of its casing, and that really had Megatron going.

Fingers dug into gaps between red plating that flared to allow them entrance.  Rodimus moaned against his spark as Megatron clawed at the sensitive metalmesh of his protoform.  The charge from Megatron and the added stimulation was threatening to push him over the edge.  He had to resist the urge to hump Megatron's leg.

A few more flicks of his glossa, and Megatron was moaning loud as his spark flared and all but blinded Rodimus as the wave coursed through them both.  When it hit Rodimus' array, it had him overloading too.  He was sure to have a mess to clean behind his panels, but that was future Rodimus' problem.  Current Rodimus cared only for Megatron.

Knocked offline, Megatron's helm rolled to one side, his hands sliding back down to the berth.  His racing spark calmed, and a few moments later he started to come back online, albeit slowly.

Rodimus kissed all over Megatron's plating while he regained his strength.  He murmured his appreciation and told him again and again how beautiful he was.  How beautiful his spark was.  How beautifully his frame arched in overload.  How he was so lucky to have him.  That he loved him.

And now, here they were.

"Are you ready?" Rodimus asked, only because he knew Megatron would never be the one to prompt them to continue.

Megatron  just looked at him.  Something flicked through his optics, but it went too fast to catch.  It wasn't like it mattered, because then Megatron said, "Yes, Rodimus."  And that was all Rodimus needed to hear.

Planting a quick kiss, full of love, to Megatron's forehelm, he let his chest plates slide aside once more.  And once again he got to see Megatron's wonder, savouring it for a moment before he straddled his conjunx's lap.  He placed his arms on either side of Megatron, and though there was still quite a bit of space between them, he felt a pull at his spark.

"Are you alright?"  Rodimus arms shook under his own weight, but he still managed to lift a hand to Megatron's face.  He had to be careful to not let their sparks touch accidentally.  Easier said than done.  Especially when he was being tugged down chest-first.  Their very souls yearned to join together.

Megatron looked away.  He went to cup Rodimus' hand with his own, but he let it fall away.  That was when Rodimus felt the shaking.

"I'm scared," Megatron admitted quietly.

It shocked Rodimus.  Megatron, ex-warlord-- scared.  His plating rattled, his optics wide.  And it was impossible to not see how fast his spark was racing.  But still, tendrils broke off and tried to latch onto Rodimus', unsuccessfully.

"We don't have to."  Rodimus had to put his hand back down on the berth to keep that option open, but Megatron grabbed at it.  Pawed at his arm.  Clinging to him.

"I want to."  Megatron tried to take a deep ventilation, but it stuttered, doing nothing to calm him.  "I don't want to leave you, Rodimus."  He attempted another unsuccessful ventilation.  "I don't want to leave you."

Rodimus closed his optics, grabbing a fistful of sheets in each hand.  He took a deep ventilation himself, having more luck with the results he was going for.  With his optics still closed, he murmured, "Close your chest."  He did the same, opening his optics to make sure Megatron did as he was told.

It took him a couple of tries, but Megatron managed to shut his chest, calming down some.  There was still a wild look in his optics, but Rodimus hoped to rectify that.

Letting himself come to rest on top of Megatron, his arms grateful for the break, he let their forehelms come together.  Then he brought their lips together.  Slow.  Soft.  Comforting.

"You're not going to leave me," Rodimus said quietly.  "You'll live on in my spark.  You said that yourself."  He swallowed the lump forming in his throat.  "I don't want to push you, Megatron.  I don't want you to feel scared when you bond with me."

"I'm not scared to bond with you."  Megatron's voice was much steadier now.  "I'm scared of the aftermath.  I can't give you forever."

"Hey..."  Rodimus gave the side of his helm a gentle nudge when he looked away.  Once he held his gaze, he smiled warmly.  "If you're not ready, you're not ready.  If you're never ready, that's okay, too.  But I don't want you to hold back thinking that you're protecting me.  If there's anyone, or anything, that I don't need protection from, it's you.  It's going to hurt one day.  I'm very aware of that fact.  But I have you now."  He kissed him, lingering on his lips.  He slowly pulled back, finding his optics again before saying, "I want all of you while I still have the chance."

Red optics shuttered, a vent cycling through his wide grey chest.  He blinked a few times, gaze low.  Then his optics swept back up, his hand following, resting on Rodimus' cheek, who leaned into the touch.

"No regrets," Megatron whispered.

"No regrets," Rodimus echoed. 

"Okay."  Another deep ventilation. 

Rodimus lifted off of him again in anticipation.

"My Sun..."  He took another ventilation, this one much steadier, and on the exvent, he reopened his spark casing.  The green light of Megatron's spark caressed Rodimus' plating with its gentle warmth once more.  "I give myself to you."

Chest plates opening again, Rodimus moved back into position.  He looked right into Megatron's optics as he leaned down just a little bit.  The pull on his spark became stronger, but still they were too far for the tendrils to connect.  They broke off and fizzled time and again, never learning their lesson. 

Rodimus' whole frame shook.  He wanted to do nothing more than collapse on Megatron and let their sparks have their way with each other.  The wisps of light had nearly connected.  But he forced himself to stop and to look Megatron in his optics.  To really look at him.  And he didn't speak until he was sure that Megatron was really looking at him. 

"Are you sure you're okay?" Rodimus asked him.

"I've never been more nervous in my life," Megatron said.  With a small smile, he added, "I've also never been more sure in my life."

Inching forward, unable to contain the smile spreading across his face, Rodimus said, "I love you."  It was quickly followed by a gasp when two tendrils finally found each other, and they clung on for dear life.  This one touch had Rodimus wondering how he was ever going to cope alone after this, and knowing that he was never going to be truly alone again. 

Megatron found Rodimus' hand, holding it and helping to support his conjunx.  He held on like their sparks were.  Like he never wanted to let go.

"I love you, too."

The last bit of space closed in a rush as their sparks refused to be disconnected any longer.  Rodimus might have felt some pain from their frames colliding, but if it was to be felt it would be felt later.  All he could feel then was Megatron's lips on his, and the heat created between them.

For a few moments, nothing existed beyond the roaring fire between them.  Intense and all-consuming, it pulled them deep into a new consciousness.  One that was neither Rodimus nor Megatron, and yet it was also both of them.  It was confusing, but it felt so _right_.

And then there was darkness.  A warm darkness.  Like they had just settled down to recharge, wrapped up in blankets and each others' arms.  It was the sort of darkness that was so full of love that it couldn't possibly be threatening.  Rodimus wouldn't have objected to staying forever in this strange middle ground where he felt Megatron's presence intertwined with his own. 

A light broke through the dark.  Not blindingly so.  It was a dim light.  Rodimus felt Megatron all around him as memories, some familiar, others foreign, poured through their combined consciousness.

Rodimus saw, no, experienced Megatron's time as a miner.  Aching limbs, insufficient fuel-- Terminus.  The memories were quickly swiped away.  To anger.  So much anger.  The anger fuelled the words-- so many that Rodimus couldn't hold on to any of them for very long.  Frantically typed in a plain room lit by a single dim light.  And in that moment, Rodimus understood.  He was very aware of his past, but seeing it firsthand...  Rodimus became a little angry himself.

And then Rodimus was back in Nyon.  His mouth fell open, and he couldn't be sure if it was only in his mind or not.  But... Nyon.  Then the flames came, and the Nyon he was forced to remember returned.  Charred.  Rubble.  Dead.  Guilt consumed Rodimus and he felt himself unwillingly detaching from their connection.  It wasn't until he felt the hand stroking his back that he was able to pull himself back in.  Letting the memory flow like the others.   

War.  Brutal, bloody, _never-ending_.  It was impossible to tell whose memories fuelled the battlefields littered with corpses.  Only brief moments, where an insignia could be seen on the bot who fell, made it apparent.  Autobot, Decepticon-- they both looked the same when they were stained magenta.

Both of them were rather apathetic to these images.  There was no hugging each other tighter, no murmured words of comfort.  What point was there?  They had both seen far worse.  There was nothing they could do about the energon on their hands.

There were some moments of uneasy peace.  Like a blink among the death and destruction.  A laugh shared with friends, now gone.  A short-lived victory celebrated over engex.  Occasional trysts that were all about relief.  There was no time for love among the fighting.  Especially when the next day they might be identifying their body.  Still, it was nice to have someone to share a berth with.  Even if it was just for one night.

When Megatron found his hand and squeezed, Rodimus held on like a vice.  Could he really say that their meeting was any different?  When forever could amount to no more than a few years?

"I'm here."  Megatron's words sounded like they came on the wind.  It was hard to imagine that he was below him.  Sharing the load.  Baring his soul.  "You're not alone, my Sun."

Rodimus resisted the urge to say, "I will be," but Megatron was in his mind.  He couldn't hide his thoughts or feelings here.

"No good-byes, no regrets," Megatron reminded him gently.  Then he kissed him softly, saying through their shared consciousness, "You can always find me here."

Rodimus took a deep ventilation.  It seemed to flow from him into Megatron, and then back into him when he took another invent.  It did nothing to cool either of them, but it did everything to calm Rodimus.  Through their connection, he said, "Okay."

Their dwelling, and especially Rodimus' worrying, had nearly brought them out of the merge.  Rodimus could see the red of Megatron's optics through the haze, but as they kissed, they were brought back in.  Back to the montage of their lives. 

Rodimus wished they had stopped there. 

A fusion cannon.  Levelled point blank at his chest.  A pair of now-familiar red optics on the other end.  A searing pain in his chest had both of them gasping.  Floating through the void of space.  Alone.  Contemplating his imminent death.

"I'm sorry."  Through the fog of memories, it was hard to tell if those words were spoken or thought.  Rodimus could barely tell where he ended and Megatron began.

Rodimus had no response, though.  Not verbally, anyways.  As Megatron's hold on him tightened, regret seeping into their shared consciousness, he hugged him harder, too.  Seeking to comfort the both of them.  The past was the past.  And they had promised that they would stop regretting.  That included this.  He made sure to make that known to Megatron before they moved on.

More war.  More bloodshed.  It was a chaotic mess of images and moments, played too fast to grab onto one.  All that stayed with them was the tangle of emotions fed by battle.  Triumph.  Grief.  Pain and loss.  Optimus.  Ideals.  Enemy-- brother?  Leader.  _Optimus_.  Both wanted to move on, to shove his existence into some dark corner of their minds to be forgotten, but he stayed.  Through their shared memories he persisted.  Haunting them both.

Megatron's spark quieted.  Rodimus' flared.  The Lost Light!

 _Home_. 

His spark screamed.  No.  Bots screamed.  All those that had been lost.  Pipes, Trailcutter, Ambulon--

"Shhh..." 

Rodimus was pulled from their dreamscape.  All he saw was the grey of Megatron's plating.  A hand found his, squeezing tightly, and then he was dragged back in, back to the death.  His fault.  All his fault.

A new montage of death.  Rodimus was shaking, regretfully anticipating the next face, seeing... a stranger?  And then another fell.  And another.  It wasn't until Rodimus saw their Decepticon insignias that he realized these were not memories revisited, but shared.  A horrible slideshow to show Rodimus that he was not alone.  That Megatron knew what he was feeling.  That he understood, but that he must move on.  He must accept what has happened and learn from it.

Anger.  Jealousy.  The wounding of his pride.  Bickering.  So much bickering.  _Like you're been conjunx for millennia_ , they had said.  They both got a chuckle out of that.  The anger simmering down to something manageable.  Then to something that wasn't anger at all.  Acceptance?  Camaraderie.  A kindred spirit?  Magnetism.

Warmth.  Megatron.  Rodimus.  A fluttering spark.  Shaking, cautious hands reaching for each other.  Lips hesitating.  A careful kiss.  A less careful kiss.  A berth beneath them.  A heavy weight on him, but not crushingly so.  _Megatron_.  A confession, unreturned.  Love, lust, _Rodimus_.  Confusion and want.  Confusion and _need_.  Trepidation-- don't want to hurt him.  Can't hurt him.  Must stay away.  Yellow hands on his frame, all of his plans falling away beneath his gentle caresses.  I love you.  _I love you_.  Conjunx.  Bonding?  No.  _Please_.  Want, need, _so much need_.

It all came so fast.  Their love was a blink in comparison to the rest of their lives.  How much longer did they even have?  Years?  Decades?  Centuries?  That was pushing it.  A single battle in their war would far outlive what they had.

"No regrets!" Rodimus shouted to himself.  He brought his forehelm down on Megatron's, squeezing his optics shut.

"I'm here, Rodimus," Megatron's spark reassured him.  Pulsing lightly.

He felt Megatron's lips on his, and he felt his own lips as though he were in Megatron's body.  It was a surreal double feeling that left him wondering who he really was, and knowing that, for at least this short time, he was both.  He would have been left wondering if Megatron felt this way too, but he felt that as well.  Every thought he had he heard echoed through his conjunx's mind.

"I love you."  Words whispered through both of their lips.  Through their sparks.  Their very souls.

Overload hit them hard.  It was far different from a typical one.  Full-frame and as intense as a dozen occurring at the exact same time.  And there was Megatron, right there with him.  His voice in his audial and his chest and his processor.  Rodimus felt like he would be consumed by the feeling, and decided that it would be a good way to go.  Together, cradled in the blissful world they had created together.

But it released them.  How long it had held them, Rodimus couldn't tell.  Now he lay, still chest-to-chest, but they weren't open anymore. 

Loneliness swept through Rodimus.  His spark was screaming at him, begging for Megatron, but he couldn't reopen his chest.  All he could do was grasp at Megatron, trying as hard as he could to rejoin them.

Megatron hugged him just as fiercely, if not more so.  He kept nuzzling deeper into Rodimus' neck.  He wrapped his legs around Rodimus' and it almost hurt, how hard he was clutching at him.  But the pain gave the both of them something to focus on.  Something that wasn't the aching emptiness in their chests.

"I'm here," they both whispered, in perfect sync.

Every movement the other made was expected.  Not so much that they could tell what the other was going to do before they did it, but when Megatron's hand glided up Rodimus' back, he had a sort of sense that it would happen.

"This is... kind of weird," Rodimus said.

"I know," Megatron said, and Rodimus, again, sort of knew that that was what he was going to say.  "I had read that there is a connection following, but..."

"Nothing like this," Rodimus finished for him.

"Yes," Megatron said then, before Rodimus was able to open his mouth.  "Of course I'm staying the night."  He hugged him just a little tighter.  "I'm not sure I'll ever be able to leave."

"Stay.  Stay forever."  Rodimus felt Megatron's feelings of trepidation.  He could practically taste his words on his glossa.  "Just say okay."  In his processor, which he swore Megatron could hear, he added, _even if it is a lie_.

Megatron kissed the closest part of Rodimus: his neck.  Then he forced his helm out of its safe space to kiss him on the lips.  The both of them grasped at the back of their helms, holding them close for as long as they could.  Any separation at this point was torture.  If so much as one of Megatron's fingers retreated from his frame even a tiny bit, it felt like he was leaving him alone.  Which was why he couldn't help but whimper when he broke apart their kiss.  And from the way Megatron's grip tightened on his helm, he felt equally torn.

"Okay."

**Author's Note:**

> So I took a bit of a different spin on sparkmerging. Or maybe someone else already did something like this and I just haven't read it. 
> 
> I like to imagine that the first time two bots bond that this happens. A montage of each other's lives and how they came together. Any bond after that would still have some shared memories, but nothing quite so extensive. It links the two so that afterwards they can often feel what the other is feeling, but only if it's a really strong emotion. Like if one of them had a sudden rush of adrenaline from feeling scared, the other would know. It can be handy but also a little annoying. Especially because Rodimus gets really excited over the littlest things.


End file.
